notes

you know those notes
you write and never send?
well this is one of them.
no, we never signed
any dotted lines
committing to a life
of appointments,
and play dates,
anniversaries,
and unpaid bills.
but I still pretended
that we did and
filled my head
with dreams of a beautiful future.

well now my conscience
sleeps in broken heaps
of shattered pieces
from falling down the stairs
of an unkempt mind
and a social scene
that embraces the theme
that no one really cares.

the situation eggs me on
to take the step
to take the fall
to leave this house
just run away now
and find someplace new that I can call
my home, or just anything
that doesn't have to constantly
remind me of all these burning things
or the way that depression stings.

so maybe all of this
was all my fault.
you never had a say
cos I never let you talk.
but even when you did,
you made sure that it
always remained meaningless
drivel about our future
or chic lines about the passed.
no. the words that crossed your lips
slid across your cheek and
dribbled down your chin
but still held no significance.

so now I’m in this room
with the lights turned off.
drinking hard liquor
shot by shot. shot by shot.
there's people in the corner
pointing and laughing at me.
no features to define a face.
but their shirts are labeled with your name.

three different colors.
greens and reds and greens.
three different shades of black.
back and forth and back again.
heads hang as chests turn red.
you kissed my broken lips again.
I clear the way, learn again to pretend
that this love is dead, and we're still just friends.
jeal-ous-y.
that's what it is.

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call an ambulance!

gone with the trees.
hiding in the breeze.
my head is aching
and my lunch has come up again.

would someone please turn out the lights?
they'e worming their way into my brain.
solid.
metal.
beams.
oh, no! i hear it coming again.

call an ambulance.
i can't seem to find my head.
bring out the sewing kit.
i'm just as broken as you wished.

white-nosed, tripping down the stairs.
full-speed, casting shooting glares.
naked.
pale.
skin.
my nose bleeds everytime you look at me.

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i only miss you when i'm horny.
i only need you when i'm lonely.
well, now doesn't that make two of us?
forgive me if i ever said you were worth a fuck.

compassion
sleeps this drunken night away.
titilation
works its way from your throat to your chest.
attention
takes its spotlight off your pretty face.
deliverance
huh uh-uh, death is what you crave, baby.

you can keep the rotten fruits
that you pick.
if they can be fooled
off the branch with your tricks.
three years of perfecting, lonely.

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