20040405
it’s honesty time…
you know the song radio by alkaline trio? well download it if you don’t. it’s one of those songs that make me cry when I’m listen to it by myself. I think I am a psychic masochist. I have two levels of thought and the one that seems to control everything always wants the things I know is going to hurt in the end. and that’s my explanation for things like heather. it’s also this second level that has kept me from killing myself. that would end the pain too easily.
another thing I have to admit to is I convert everything in my life to a temperature and a numerical value in my head. everyday is just a game, and I’m not even in control. when I borrow gonja, it makes me realize all of these things. and then the people whom I love the most tell me that borrowing it is bad and they don’t respect me coz I do it, it hurts. it traps me in a cage where I have to watch my life get played out by some other person and I can’t do anything about it. I need to borrow the lady more. I need her, and I need her. I assume I need HER, but that’s just that second level forcing me back to her so I can get hurt again and again. and my eyes hurt the most from crying so many fake tears, and not crying the real tears that need to be cried. I feel like a mirror, doing the opposite of the real image I set forth. I'm melting, becoming the sand I once was, and I might vaporize and become the nothing I really am, so shallow and worthless. why couldn’t I have been born a senator’s son, ready to fill the shoes?
I don’t know how to deal with it Tony, I'm confused and every where I go I seem to keep running into corners. it’s like a huge maze I can’t find my way out of. and I feel like I can't ever say anything to you because I feel like I can’t just say whatever I am thinking, I have to pick the best way to say it and so sometimes I just think its better not to say whatever I’m thinking but I just get farther and farther into the maze. And I don’t wanna play games, but if that is what you think it is I don’t want it to stop either. I don’t wanna loose you but I’m not sure I wanna be in a relationship cus I don’t think I even know you, people tell me stuff about how your not the same person around me, and I cant tell if all you want is a physical relationship, but that’s not all I want, like Joe said, your thinking with the wrong part of your body when your with me, and I don’t want that to be how you always act around me. I have changed so much, you knew who I was before, but I think I am a whole new person. I don’t know what else to say and I don’t know if I can even get you to understand everything I mean. I don’t wanna play games. If you think its a good idea I think we should just hangout more often, or if you just wanna stop everything now, I can understand how you would be sick of all this, I dunno, I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!!
heather
sometimes, in the morning, I wake up coz the sun is coming through the blinds. that makes me want to kill myself. I am in the worst mental condition I think I could ever be in, but I still think normally. I can keep going everyday. I don’t know why. I always think about you and where you are or what you’re doing. and then, how we should be at the same place, at the same time and just bump into each other. how cute would that be? but, whenever I actually make some form of contact with you, or talk about you with someone, I always get very uneasy. I find it hard to breathe because of the deep pain in my chest; it feels like someone dropped a bowling ball in my chest. i still carry your picture in my wallet. and when people look through it and see your picture they ask who you are. I tell them about us and everything and my head starts to hurt and my eyes get dry. I start stuttering. I think of what an idiot I am to do anything that could remotely hurt you in anyway. I’ve had two girlfriends since you. I broke up with one because of you. and the other was aggravated by the fact that when we talked about you, I said I still loved you. I can’t say anything bad about you, no matter how much I want to, I can’t, my jaw stops functioning and my mind goes blank. do I know you anymore? no. do I have chances to get to know you? no. would I take one? yes. do I love you? yes.
p.s. after all this talk by you about how I don’t even know you, and you stand hard by a remark by Joe, about me. he doesn’t know me. he didn’t have any knowledge of anything of what happened between us, he hasn’t the faintest clue of the blind dedication I have to you.
you know the song radio by alkaline trio? well download it if you don’t. it’s one of those songs that make me cry when I’m listen to it by myself. I think I am a psychic masochist. I have two levels of thought and the one that seems to control everything always wants the things I know is going to hurt in the end. and that’s my explanation for things like heather. it’s also this second level that has kept me from killing myself. that would end the pain too easily.
another thing I have to admit to is I convert everything in my life to a temperature and a numerical value in my head. everyday is just a game, and I’m not even in control. when I borrow gonja, it makes me realize all of these things. and then the people whom I love the most tell me that borrowing it is bad and they don’t respect me coz I do it, it hurts. it traps me in a cage where I have to watch my life get played out by some other person and I can’t do anything about it. I need to borrow the lady more. I need her, and I need her. I assume I need HER, but that’s just that second level forcing me back to her so I can get hurt again and again. and my eyes hurt the most from crying so many fake tears, and not crying the real tears that need to be cried. I feel like a mirror, doing the opposite of the real image I set forth. I'm melting, becoming the sand I once was, and I might vaporize and become the nothing I really am, so shallow and worthless. why couldn’t I have been born a senator’s son, ready to fill the shoes?
I don’t know how to deal with it Tony, I'm confused and every where I go I seem to keep running into corners. it’s like a huge maze I can’t find my way out of. and I feel like I can't ever say anything to you because I feel like I can’t just say whatever I am thinking, I have to pick the best way to say it and so sometimes I just think its better not to say whatever I’m thinking but I just get farther and farther into the maze. And I don’t wanna play games, but if that is what you think it is I don’t want it to stop either. I don’t wanna loose you but I’m not sure I wanna be in a relationship cus I don’t think I even know you, people tell me stuff about how your not the same person around me, and I cant tell if all you want is a physical relationship, but that’s not all I want, like Joe said, your thinking with the wrong part of your body when your with me, and I don’t want that to be how you always act around me. I have changed so much, you knew who I was before, but I think I am a whole new person. I don’t know what else to say and I don’t know if I can even get you to understand everything I mean. I don’t wanna play games. If you think its a good idea I think we should just hangout more often, or if you just wanna stop everything now, I can understand how you would be sick of all this, I dunno, I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!!
heather
sometimes, in the morning, I wake up coz the sun is coming through the blinds. that makes me want to kill myself. I am in the worst mental condition I think I could ever be in, but I still think normally. I can keep going everyday. I don’t know why. I always think about you and where you are or what you’re doing. and then, how we should be at the same place, at the same time and just bump into each other. how cute would that be? but, whenever I actually make some form of contact with you, or talk about you with someone, I always get very uneasy. I find it hard to breathe because of the deep pain in my chest; it feels like someone dropped a bowling ball in my chest. i still carry your picture in my wallet. and when people look through it and see your picture they ask who you are. I tell them about us and everything and my head starts to hurt and my eyes get dry. I start stuttering. I think of what an idiot I am to do anything that could remotely hurt you in anyway. I’ve had two girlfriends since you. I broke up with one because of you. and the other was aggravated by the fact that when we talked about you, I said I still loved you. I can’t say anything bad about you, no matter how much I want to, I can’t, my jaw stops functioning and my mind goes blank. do I know you anymore? no. do I have chances to get to know you? no. would I take one? yes. do I love you? yes.
p.s. after all this talk by you about how I don’t even know you, and you stand hard by a remark by Joe, about me. he doesn’t know me. he didn’t have any knowledge of anything of what happened between us, he hasn’t the faintest clue of the blind dedication I have to you.
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